What I’ve Been Working On Lately

We’re about a month into the school year over here and well, things are going.  As we settle into this transition (it definitely isn’t over but I’d say we’re at a new phase) here are some things I’ve personally been focusing on lately in my parenting, family and personal space.

Doing Less, Trusting More, In Every Sense

Not engaging with certain behaviors

Not over lecturing

Not giving advice

Not micromanaging

Not preventing outcomes

This is really hard.  It requires a lot of not reacting to my kids, not picking up messes that are driving me nuts, accepting we may be late, and most importantly foregoing my need for immediate validation from my kids that they are internalizing the values and goals I have for them.   

What this often looks like is me sitting quietly taking lots of deep breaths, repeating to myself internally “breathe, don’t react, give them space to learn for themselves”.  

Because ultimately I know my kids are wonderful kids and they want to please me, be responsible, and be successful.  And when they act in ways that may seem at odds with any of that, it’s because they are human.  Their brains are working within their developmental capacity.  And they're living in a world that demands a lot of them.  

It also looks like me trying not to let anyone know that I’m working so hard internally not to react.  

 Because kids are so sensitive to our emotions.  We don’t have to say how we feel, yell, or lecture them.  The second our tone shifts, our body tenses-they know.  

And I do not want my kids' experience of me to be that I was often annoyed in their presence.  

What do I want their experience of me to be?  That I was sturdy and confident.  That I take joy in being with them.  That they have my attention and interest.  And in all of that, safety and consistency that yields confidence in themselves.

And that requires me to give them more space.  And more trust.

 

Tolerating The NOs

NO can take different shape and forms at different phases of development.  But at every age and every stage, it’s so important to understand that saying NO serves a developmental function.  As annoying as it is.

So in that spirit, tolerating the NOs is an important parenting behavior (and skill, because it too does not come easy) that serves an important developmental function.  Both in supporting your child’s development, and in supporting the healthy development of the parent-child relationship.

With my kids, saying NO is helping to shape their identity, allowing them to test out the limits of our relationship, and explore and create a sense of efficacy over the world around them.  

But it’s also helping to shape their ability to assert themselves and hold boundaries in all relationships and social settings.  To learn that if something doesn’t feel right, they can speak up and will be heard.  I have 2 girls.  There will be plenty of messages from the world that they should smile and be quiet.  And lots of potentially scary situations where not saying NO could have life altering consequences.  

Do I want them to just brush their teeth and do their homework with a nod and a smile?  You bet.  It would make my life much easier.

But I don’t want to train them out of speaking up for themselves.  So, unless it’s a safety issue, I am really trying not to react to hearing NO.

Does that mean I let them skip brushing their teeth or doing their homework?  Does that mean I don’t also strive for teamwork and cooperation?  

Not at all.

 But I am really trying to separate that teaching from my reaction to hearing NO.  

Let the NO settle, come back to what needs to be done a few minutes later.  Ask “ok, so then what is your plan?” and let them think it through themselves.  Model cooperation and teamwork outside of the moment.  Teach and create habits around self-care and independence.  Model healthy relationship communication and allow NO to be a part of the family relationship experience.

 

Valuing Other Perspectives

I’m a Virgo.  So my way is the right way.

My husband is not a Virgo.  But his way is also the right way.

My kids?  They are elementary aged, so their way is the right way.

You can see where this is going?

Once again I have to actively talk myself down from asserting my way.  Which for the record may not be the “right” way, but is often the most efficient, organized and preferable way for me.  

As adults we often react to other people’s opinions and perspectives, especially when it comes to how things should get done.  And then get annoyed with them (mainly our children) for being stubborn or inflexible. 

But ironically, aren’t we doing the same thing?  And when we insist or demand it’s our way, just because we’re the grown ups, or because maybe in fact it would be more efficient or cleaner, or smoother, well aren’t we just doing the same thing?

I know the word controlling has a negative connotation.  But if I’m being honest, I (and most parents), are controlling.  And as our kids age, we really struggle to let them execute on things in their own way.

So, I’m working on this.  Maybe it takes longer.  Maybe there’s more mess to clean up.  Maybe this wasn’t the teaching moment we hoped for.

But I value my kids, their opinion and perspective.  And I value their confidence, development, and our relationship connection more than anything else.   

So I’m working on showing it.

Getting Out Of The Tech/Nervous System Loop

I was doing so well this summer disconnecting from my phone, from tech input, from life supporting apps.  And I felt so much better. 

If there’s one thing I know as a therapist and mental health professional, it’s the neuroscience of technology.  The behavioral science it’s designed with.  It’s impact on mood, self-esteem, and attention. 

And the verdict is in.  It is not good.

But I don’t need science to tell me.  I can feel it.

That sense of being at ease, getting engrossed in real life experiences, more time in nature, a calm and present mind, increased participation in my interests and hobbies.  I locked back into that this summer with very intentional shelving of technology.

By the end of the first week of school, I felt the physical shift.  The sense of constantly needing to check my email to see what I needed to add to my to-do list, what event I had to put on the calendar, what updates I had to adjust our weekend for.  And the constant mental gymnastics that came with it all.  Everytime I sat still I was antsy and seeking some sort of external stimulation.  I had to get up, go do something, check a task off the list.  It came fast and hard. 

 And I do not like it.

So, I’m trying to reset the parameters of my exposure and use.  Whether for work, parenting, or to calm the urge driven by the tech feedback loop, I’m trying to re-establish the boundaries and shift my system back to real life.

Focusing On Beauty and Fun

Sometimes it can get real serious around here.  We’re talking about mental health, relationships, parenting, building skills for psychological resilience.  It of course requires us to talk about serious stuff.  And can all feel very serious. 

But I don’t want to live a life that is all serious.  I want to have fun.  See the beauty.  Create.

I’m investing in things that support that.  Diving into my hobbies.  Planning experiences for connection and laughter.  Cracking jokes.  Trying new things.

 Trying to live.

Firming Up My Foundations and Prepping For The Darker Months

You’ll hear more from me on this soon, but winter is coming.  Daylight is the #1 environmental variable that supports our circadian rhythm and mood.  As those hours decrease but demands for us to perform remain the same, our bodies have to work in a state of naturally depleted energy.  Plus, the cold and dark reduce our motivation and access to social, movement and nature based activities which also help to sustain our mood.  

So this season inherently sets us up to feel not as great, and the effect is cumulative.  By February most people I know can get pretty cranky.

The good news is there are lots of behaviors we can engage in to positively support our mood and buffer some of these seasonal effects.  Movement, nutrition, social connection, breathwork, hydration, quality sleep and structure/routine. 

But here’s the catch.  With our energy depleted and the days feeling cold and dark, we don’t have much motivation to create or refine habits around our health and wellness once the darker days are here.  So now is the time to solidify our habits.  Making them just things you do now highly increases the chances you will stick with them through winter.  

So I’m practicing what I preach.  Getting into a regular schedule with my hobbies and my social groups.  Doubling down on my sleep habits and bedtime routine.  Using weekends to meal plan and meal prep, ensuring I have access to nutrient dense and delicious food.  Making changes in my house so that Hygge is front and center.  Reclaiming a daily breathwork practice.

It all starts now.

I just want to finish with one last thing I am really trying more of, even though it feels like I’ve laid out a lot already.  And it’s being imperfect and being gentle with myself for being imperfect.  I put a lot out here today but I don’t ever want to give the impression that I’m getting any of this 100% of the time.  Or even on any given day.  These are things I’m working on and trying to keep in my focus because these are things that feel important to me.  There are days where I nail all of it, days where I nail some of it, and days where I completely drop the ball.  

I try to value myself no matter which way it goes.  And hope you do too.

Until next time,

Allie