When I was in high school, MADD came to our school to do an educational presentation on drunk driving. To demonstrate the impact of alcohol, we each got a chance to wear a pair of beer goggles and attempt to walk in a straight line. I remember stumbling around, bumping into desks and giggling with my peers. But mostly I remember feeling like I wanted my body to do one thing, while it uncontrollably pulled me somewhere else. And I remember thinking that if I just took off the goggles and reoriented myself to the room that somehow I could hold onto that roadmap, put them back on and walk the straight line.
Nope!
When your emotions are activated in parenthood, it can feel like wearing beer goggles. Even if you know in clearer moments what’s happening with your child and how to respond, once that emotional brain kicks in, your vision becomes distorted and your reactions are impaired. Impulse control is down. Your logic, orientation and intention go out the window.
This is why your own emotional regulation is essential to executing your parenting goals.
Emotional regulation describes your ability to effectively manage and move through an emotional experience. By adulthood, much of this is automated and unconscious, rooted in patterns learned in our early life and reinforced through subsequent experiences.
You may have felt like you were able to tackle the ups and downs of the world, or even intense periods of stress before children, and get through it without totally losing your mind.
Yet now you find yourself on edge at the simplest request, yelling when your child isn’t following your directions, walking away when you want to stay present and offer connection, jumping to immediately react when you hear crying, or avoiding or stopping playtime because it's become too messy, or is taking too long or is repetitive and boring.
Even though before and after those moments it’s so clear to you how to walk the straight line.
There are many reasons why emotional regulation may become more challenging in pregnancy, postpartum and parenthood:
→ hormonal changes (which happens for birthing and non-birthing parents)
→ changes in brain structure (which happens for birthing and non-birthing parents)
→ sleep deprivation
→ high volume of change and demands
→ insufficient medical, social and professional structures
→ your baby/toddler/preschoolers intense needs for coregulation and care
→ unrealistic social pressures and expectations
→ your own developmental demands (aging related biological changes, elderly parents, identity changes)
But the good news is that you can level-up your skills and decrease the amount of time you’re caught wearing your beer goggles.
Proactive Behaviors
There are things you do everyday OUTSIDE the challenging moments that influence how you emotionally regulate.
→ nutrition
→ movement
→ sleep quality
→ social connection
→ hydration
→ structure/routine
→ uninterrupted, focused activity
Reactive Skills
These are your brain muscles that will kick in to power you through when your emotional brain wants to take over.. Our emotional center lies in the back/bottom of our brains and the antidote is to strengthen our front/top brains so they can stay in the decision room when it hits the fan. Think of your prefrontal cortex as a muscle that needs regular training in order to have the agility, speed, strength and flexibility it will need in a moment of high demand.
Effective exercises include:
→ breathwork/meditation
→ mindfulness and awareness of existing patterns of regulation
→ deeper insight into the origins of your patterns of regulation
→ feeling identification
→ self-compassion, gratitude and affirmation practices
→ studying parent and child development
→ journaling and guided reflection
→ reciting mantras
→ sensory based grounding exercises
Pro Tip Bonus
Your child has their own set of beer goggles and will be wearing them A LOT of the time. Parents often forget that their child’s developmental limitations simply cannot adequately regulate them through the task at hand. Emotional regulation is very underdeveloped in childhood and does not reach peak maturity until age 25!
When they are pushing you to the brink, try using the mantra “They are wearing their beer goggles right now” as a way to ground and regulate yourself.
And remember, you and your kid don’t have to be perfect. We will all wear our beer goggles some of the time.
But the more you can show up in the ways you want, the more your confidence will build. Creating more space for joy and ease, the parenting journey you seek for yourself, and the outcomes you want to provide for your children.
I’ll be back next week to share my SNAPP method, my trademark process for regulating your emotions to help you start putting this skill into action in your own home. Be sure to check back in, you won’t want to miss it!
Until next time,
Allie