Breaking Intergenerational Patterns

As a therapist, you can be sure I've given much thought and consideration to my family’s history, and the way it's informed my life and now, my parenting journey.

And one of the most valuable pieces of understanding myself, nurturing my relationships, and living with confidence and intention has been unpacking the experiences of prior generations and how it was transmitted down the line through my parents, and onto me. 

One thing I always hear myself saying is “you can't fully understand where you are or get to where you want to go without understanding where you came from.”

 And nowhere is that more true than in parenthood.

There doesn’t have to be any trauma history or remarkable events for that to the case.

No matter your family’s story, the influence of past generations is so much more dynamic and present in you than you may think.  

How you were parented deeply and directly influences how you parent.  How you were parented was deeply and directly shaped by how your parents were parented.  And each generation is deeply and directly shaped by the culture, norms and events of the community and world around them.

Do you find yourself sounding like your parents?  Reacting like your parents?  Regulating your emotions like your parents?  Committed to doing everything the opposite of your parents? Holding expectations of your children that are outdated and inconsistent with their developmental needs?  Falling into traditional gender roles in your parenting relationship?

 And then think to yourself, “Why am I doing this?”

With every age and every stage of your parenting journey, a new layer of what lives in you from your childhood reveals itself. The way you think, feel and behave, and the sensations that live in your body arise, informed by what is held in you from how you experienced the world as a child. Informed both then and now by the reactions of your parents at that time, which were similarly informed by their own activated childhood responses which were informed by their parents.

See where I’m going with this?

Gaining more insight into intergenerational patterns and your family history is key to moving through your parenting journey with confidence and agency.  

Some of the benefits of this self-discovery include:

Improved emotional regulation.

Deeper awareness of barriers to your parenting goals. 

Heightened compassion and improved relationships with your parents, in-laws and other extended family members.

Increased understanding of your partner and improved intimacy.

Enhanced confidence in your parenting. 

Release of outdated or undesirable patterns.
 

Here are some ways to support this process in your journey: 

→ Identify and talk about what went on in generations prior, including parenting behaviors, communication patterns, family dynamics, emotional patterns, gender norms and roles, cultural values, social expectations, beliefs and knowledge around childhood and child development, and historical events 

→ Identify and talk about how these things may have shaped your parents in their childhood, and influenced how you were parented 

→ Identify and talk about how these things landed for you when you were a child

 → Identify and talk about how these things live in you as an adult

→ Identify and talk about how these things show up in your parenting

→ Identify and talk about how these patterns were shaped by context (time, science, culture, trauma, etc.)

→ Identify and talk about your values and goals for your parenting journey, your family and your children.  WHAT do you want to be different? How can you make shifts to support these outcomes?  What are the barriers to these outcomes?

→ Practice compassion and acceptance.  Remember that everybody was doing their best with what they had at the time.

And you know what, so are you. 

Our grandparents didn’t have to be perfect.

Our parents didn’t have to be perfect.

We don’t have to be perfect.

Our kids don’t have to be perfect.

But we can do the work to move the needle forward.  Both for ourselves, the generation we’re raising and all the generations to come.

Until next time,

Allie