Prepping for Puberty

Many parents are surprised by the physical, emotional, psychological and social changes they notice in their school aged children.

“I didn’t think this would happen until middle school.”

The social piece deserves its own space (or really, spaces) so I will tackle that separately.

But the thing that we’ll tackle here is puberty. And that by age 8 for girls and age 10 for boys, the puberty train has already left the station.

That’s right. Age 8 = 2nd-3rd grade. Age 9=3rd-4th grade.

Elementary school.

By the time your child is in 3rd grade, they and/or many of their peers are already experiencing the invisible and visible changes of puberty.

And as a parent, the best thing you can do to normalize their experience, empower their identity and teach them the skills they need to care for their changing bodies and minds (and their friends’ changing bodies and minds) is to educate them before they get there. So they can know what to expect and what to do when it happens, and not be left swirling in fear and worry.

And in order to do that, you need to educate yourself and work through your own internalized beliefs about discussing bodies and puberty.

Puberty is a period of immense neurological and physiological change that occurs over the course of several years. For girls, puberty occurs on average between ages 8-13 and for boys 9-14.

Most people assume puberty means:

Menstruation

Breast development

Acne

Deep voices

Growth Spurts

Body odors

Facial Hair

But here’s the thing. Those physical indicators of puberty are often the culmination of years of invisible change. And are preceded by major changes to neurological structures and functions and hormonal shifts that begin as early as 2nd grade.

Puberty is a progressive process. It extends over a period of time, often beginning with invisible neurological and endocrine changes, followed by the physical manifestations.

Many parents report their children developing breast buds in 3rd grade. Extreme moods and mood shifts in 5th. Anger and aggression in 4th grade. Body odor in 2nd grade. Darkening body hair in 5th grade.

This is all normal. And it’s all something we should prepare ourselves and our kids for.

And to truly reduce fear and shame: we should be educating our children on both the male and female body so they can be empowered to not just take care of themselves, but also each other.

I remember taking health class as a kid. In 7th grade. It was too late. And from a male gym teacher.

Is this what we want for this generation?

Now I know many parents are reluctant to talk about periods and body parts. Maybe you even reacted to some of the words I’ve written on this page. Maybe you’re thinking it’s inappropriate to talk about “adult things” with your school aged child.

I get it. Talking about bodies, especially female bodies is taboo in our culture. And yes, there are aspects of puberty that are more mature content. But there are developmentally appropriate ways to communicate this valuable information to your kid, to hold space for their questions, observations and curiosities, and to ensure they know what they need to know. But more importantly, to build a foundation of safety and comfortability in communicating with you about their bodies and experiences. So that when the time comes for the more mature content, you and your child are well practiced in working through these things together. And they can feel safe coming to you to process and seek the support they need.

My favorite place to start this practice (yes, talking about this stuff with your kid is in fact a practice!) is getting a book that lays out the facts in a clear, direct and concise way and reading it together. This takes the pressure off of you to be the expert and generate the content, and makes the information digestible and meaningful to your child’s developmental needs.

One of my favorites is The Care and Keeping of You (for females) and Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys (for males), both published by American Girl. These are 2 books in a comprehensive collection that expands for older kids and specialized content and that I highly recommend to parents-and use myself.

These books lay out the changes, and also include practical information and tips for caring for the body, as well as anecdotes from kids that name many of the common reactions kids have to the changes they see in themselves and others.

I recommend reading these books in 2nd-3rd grade.

And while the content is laid out for you, it’s important to not just read and move on to the next page. Use these books and the information they provide as a springboard to conversations with your child. Ask questions and listen. Share stories of your history and experience in puberty. Invite curiosity. Take it slow and engage with your kid around each piece of information.

Because remember the goal here is education and empowerment. But it is also to begin to adapt your parent-child relationship to the new dynamics that come as they move into late elementary school and then the tween and teen years. One that is going to demand new versions of autonomy, present more complex social dynamics, foster increased independence, shift priorities to peer relationships and outside influences, and have a fundamental focus on your child building their self-esteem and identity in the broader world.

And ensuring they can come to you with their struggles, their wins, their uncertainties, their worries, and everything in between-it’s built through listening and acceptance.

And it starts now.

Until next time,

Allie