But What if I’m Missing Something?

“But what if I’m missing something?” 

It’s the thought that gets you in a loop every time.  

 The manifestation of fear.  The desire to future proof from any suffering or disaster.  The effort to find a sense of control over your child’s development and your success as a parent.

“I know the doctor said he’s staying on his curve, but what if I’m missing something?”

“I know big feelings are normal for a toddler, but what if I’m missing something?”

“I know sometimes kids hit, but what if I’m missing something?”

“I know accidents are normal, but what if I’m missing something?”

“I know kids learn to read at different paces, but what if I’m missing something?”

“I know all kids get anxious, but what if I’m missing something?”

“I know tweens are moody, but what if I’m missing something?”

“I know their interests can change, but what if I’m missing something?

Sound familiar?

It is so so so hard as a parent to tolerate the idea that our children may have challenges, may have future struggles and at times, that they may suffer.   

And it is so so so so hard as a parent to not overestimate the degree of control you have over these present and future realities.  And to not blame yourself or create a fantasy that if you just knew that your child might struggle, you would be able to fix or prevent it.

Parenting does have a deep impact on your children and their development.  

But it cannot override so many other variables that lie outside of your control, including:

Genetics

Personality and temperament

Child Development

Peer influence

Cultural influences

Community influences

Illness

Environmental influences

Global events

Accidents

I know you hate when I say this.  

 Because it forces you to confront your limitations in ensuring your child’s health and happiness.  And just the idea of any threat to your child’s health or happiness feels so painful.  

But I’m gonna say it anyway.  

Because I know that accepting these limitations will allow you to be more present and connected, and to optimize your impact in the areas where you do have control.  And to live with a little more levity on your parenting journey.  And to model for your children how to live in a healthy balance of acceptance and intention.

So, if you find your thoughts and parenting choices are frequently intruded upon by the “But what if I’m missing something?” question, here are some things to try: 

→Consider the intensity, frequency and duration of these thoughts

It is certainly a normal parenting instinct to want to protect your child from suffering, but in some cases these thoughts can also be a symptom of an underlying mental health condition like Generalized Anxiety or OCD.  It really depends on how frequent they are and what impact they have.  If the thoughts are constant and loud, and are impairing how you feel and move through the world, reach out to a mental health professional or your medical provider to get a professional assessment.  

→Study child development

Like really study child development.  Get a coach or professional resources that can help you see child development in a holistic and dynamic way.  It’s one thing to read a book or take a workshop but it’s another thing for someone to help you see how these concepts show up in your child and to work through specific examples with you.  Working with a therapist or parent coach is an investment that can deeply normalize what’s happening and help you apply child development theory and science, and parenting strategies to your child in a meaningful way.

→Identify where you have agency or don’t

Like I said earlier, parenting cannot override other variables that influence your child’s development.  In any situation, it is important to be able to differentiate what is happening or can happen because of you vs. what are the things that you cannot change.   

→Develop a growth mindset

Often parents will project out a concern about their child’s later childhood or adolescence based on behaviors in toddlerhood. This completely neglects the years of neurological, social, emotional and motor development that will organically happen between now and then.  Seeing your child’s current behaviors as a small stage in a long term trajectory can help you contextualize and release worries that certain behaviors will last forever, or that certain tendencies will be problematic down the road.  The natural course of human development brings with it so many skills, abilities and coping skills.  We just have to be patient and trust the process.

→Stay present

Simply ask yourself: “Is this a now problem or am I forecasting out to the future?  If the answer is the later, gently let the thought know it is welcome to move on and redirect back to the information you have and to the here and now.

→Build a reliable process for working through concerns and trust your gut

If you have trusted resources, skills to filter through the information and tools to manage concerns, you can feel confident you have a system in place to take action when needed.  If you trust yourself, you don’t have to worry you’re missing something.  You’ll know when to act and when to let things be, and over time build the confidence that you can tall the difference.

Until next time,

 Allie