Protecting Your Nest In Postpartum

“Saam(three)-chil(seven)-il(days)," is a Korean postpartum concept and practice in which new mothers and their babies spend the first 3 weeks postpartum in a container of recovery, healing and bonding.  After birth, mom and baby are expected to stay home and receive care and nourishment from a small group of caregivers, with no additional visitors.

 WHAT?!!!!  

You mean women in other parts of the world aren’t hosting family gatherings, getting right back out there, expected to attend scheduled events, doing laundry, cleaning the house and checking work emails right after birthing a human? 

One of the biggest challenges postpartum is setting and holding boundaries with friends and family.  

Everyone wants to meet the baby. 

People want to just “stop by” and see how you’re doing. 

Society expects you to look, act and smile as if nothing happened. 

Somebody has a birthday they want you to celebrate. 

There’s the holiday you usually spend with family coming up.

You love your friends, family and baby and want them to connect.

And saying “no”, “give us a little time”, “we’re not ready”, “you’ll have to wait”, and “sorry to miss it” can feel like swimming upstream against a raging current.

You cannot control what society, your family, your friends, your peers, or even your partner wants from you postpartum.  And that’s hard.

But, there are things you can do to support yourself, your baby and your family during this period.

→ Have a plan

Don’t wait until baby is here to decide who, when and what you want to do.  Begin to discuss your ideal hospital stay, first days and weeks home with your partner no later than your second trimester.  Know that things can change but it may take some time to sort through everyone’s feelings, needs and expectations and to get on the same page.

→ Talk to your pediatrician

Get advice from the medical experts around exposing a newborn to social settings.  They are tiny and their immune systems are extremely fragile.  Did you know a baby who gets a fever in the first 8 weeks automatically needs to go to the hospital?  Learning more about infant health can help you determine what’s best for your family.

And also, having the boundary come from someone other than you may make it easier to break the news to your in-laws ;)  

→ Educate yourself on postpartum recovery

There is a huge knowledge gap about the physical realities of giving and recovering from childbirth.  Bleeding, hemorrhoids, sleep deprivation, hormonal changes, PMADs, surgical pain and limitations, swelling, sore nipples, bruised pelvis.  Our culture and medical systems dismiss the medical and physical complexities of pregnancy, labor and delivery and postpartum recovery which leaves many women in the dark about what to expect from their brains and bodies after baby is here.   

So if you’re not prepared for what may come, you cannot possibly properly prepare for what you may need.  I’m not saying all of these things will happen to you, but 

education = awareness = choice 

Plus, if they do happen, knowing that it’s a normal part of the process can prevent your brain from panicking and adding stress to an already high-demand situation.  Talk to other women who have had babies, seek out a doula, pregnancy coach, childbirth education class and utilize your time with your OB or midwife to ask questions and take notes.

→ Set expectations

Whatever you decide, communicate it to the affected parties before the baby is here.  I know this part is really really tricky.  But it will be less tricky when you’re pregnant than when you are in the thick of postpartum.  I recommend setting the tone that you will not be participating in things for the first month postpartum so you can give yourself the space to see how you feel and what you need.  

That doesn’t mean you sit home in isolation the whole time.  You may find you want and feel ready to have visitors (or select visitors) or get out of the house.   

But it is always easier to turn a No → Yes than the reverse, or to constantly be negotiating through the Maybes.

→ Use your partner

You are recovering and that’s enough.  Let your partner be the family spokesperson and be clear with them that when they are approached with requests, the default should be to assume it’s a no.  You can think on it and always change your mind but this way they can automatically be clear with others what your family’s boundaries are and you don’t have to do the emotional work of making a decision in real time if you aren’t up for it.

→ Tune out the noise

There will probably be pushback, criticisms, emotions, and more.  I’m sorry for this.  Again, you can’t control other people but you can control how you react.  Keep your focus on you, your baby and the impermanence of this situation.

→ Have a tribe

Other moms will get you.  Build these connections before baby is here so you have someone to rage text when you need to vent.

→ Get some professional support

Hands down, managing these dynamics are one of the biggest individual and relationship stressors I see in my work with new parents.  I’ve broken it down here into concrete actions but this stuff is not simple.  It can bring up many feelings and complicated dynamics, all while you are sleep deprived, experiencing major hormonal shifts, healing, perhaps in physical pain, scared, overwhelmed, and caring for a completely dependent newborn.  Having a therapist to support you or you and your partner in this process can be a tremendous asset.

I hope that someday all families will receive the level of postpartum consideration and care that they all need and deserve.  I do think the needle is moving in that direction.

But in the meantime, focus on what you do have agency over, and if you need any extra guidance and support, you know where to reach me.

Until next time,

Allie