Your Relationship on Parenthood

“We’re not on the same page.”

“She needs to do less.”

“He doesn’t even know all the things I do to support our kids’ development”

“I’m the only one doing anything.”

“We have different priorities.”

“He isn’t even connected to the baby.”

“We’re like ships passing in the night.”

“She doesn’t even want to be touched.”

This is your relationship on parenthood.   

And it’s definitely not what you expected.  

This is the person you chose to dive into this crazy adventure with.  Who you were certain would be the best partner for you.  And parent to your baby.  Who you blissfully embraced, overwhelmed with joy when you got that confirmation you're expecting.  

And yet here you are.  Like so many other parents, learning that the realities and demands of parenting in the early years will stress and shift your relationship dynamics in ways you couldn’t imagine.  In ways you don’t like.  In ways that leave you vacillating between “oh my gosh, can you believe we made this family” and “the sound of you breathing near me is making me want to scream”.

It’s like a distorted, blurry version of what you once knew.  At a time when you need stability and security more than ever. 

What you had going on before kids worked for you as a couple then.  But it’s not working anymore.  It’s not working for you as a family now.

So it’s time to give your relationship some attention, and figure out a new rhythm that works for this version of your family.

It starts with awareness, compassion, and curiosity.  

And is sustained through communication and connection.

There are so many layers and years of social training that you’ve both absorbed and that play out in your relationship in pregnancy, postpartum and parenthood.  Leaving you with different worldviews, skill sets and expectations that can spiral and surface at any time.  And while you have so much in common, you come to this experience as two very different beings with so much to learn about yourselves, and each other.

Consider: 

→ How has your relationship changed since becoming parents? 

→ What has surprised you about your partner as you’ve become parents?

→ What roles and responsibilities have you each defaulted to since becoming parents? 

→ Where have you found the most misalignment and conflict since becoming parents?

→ How do you communicate about family business and parenting since becoming parents?

And in moments of conflict or emotional exchanges, here are some things to ask yourself and consider about your partner: 

→ What feeling or need do I/you have at this moment?

 → What tools do I/you have to manage these feelings or needs at this moment? 

→ What are we/I/you modeling for our children in this moment?

You are both living in new versions of you, and your relationship is trying to keep pace with the monumental transformation that is parenthood.  It’s not easy but there’s an opportunity to dig into this evolution and come out stronger as a team and as a family. 

Relationship health in parenthood isn’t about everything being equal.  It’s about assessing the strengths and challenges of all players, optimizing assets, strengthening shortcomings, and continuously checking-in to ensure there’s a balance that leaves everyone carrying a manageable load.  With active and consistent efforts to create time for connection.

It does take work.  And sometimes we need some help figuring out where to start. 

But I know you can do it.

Because remember parents, your relationship is part of the container for your child’s development.  And just like your individual wellness, its health is not only something you deserve, but an essential component to the outcomes you crave for your child.

So make sure it gets the attention and care it needs.

Until next time, 

Allie