Navigating the Impact of Birth Order

“Mommy, I don’t like being the littlest.” 

Cue my heart breaking into a million pieces.  My mind is racing.  My muscles tensing.  Remembering the desperate desire to keep up with my much older, bigger, quicker sister throughout my childhood.   

I can’t even count how many times my daughter has expressed her feelings about being a younger sibling.  And you know what, as a second child, I can relate.

Birth order does have an impact on your children and their development.  And without a doubt, it had an impact on yours.

Your oldest will never know what it’s like to have a built-in protector and advisor.   

Your second born will never know what it’s like to have all your attention in the earliest months of life.   

An only child won't have a lifelong co-conspirator or someone to vent to when mom and dad are driving them nuts.   

Twins will always live in comparison.  

And if you have subsequent children, they will never know what it’s like to not be bossed around by a team of tyrants who are always one step ahead.

BUT: 

Your oldest will also have had your sole focus in their earliest years and endless opportunities to be the mentor, role model and boss of the play room.  

 Your youngest will have a playmate from birth and an added degree of autonomy.  

Twins will have an inexplicable bond and unique interconnectivity.  

An only child will have the space for their interests to be singularly indulged.   

And subsequent children will be encapsulated in the love, noise and care of a team from the get-go.

There are pros and cons to wherever you fall in the birth order.

As adults, eldest children do tend to become high-achieving and highly skilled in leadership and organization. 

Second borns are in fact generally more independent, risk taking and diplomatic.

And only children are more likely to be self-starters, exceptionally mature, and inclined to self-actualize.  

Of course individual temperament, genetics, parenting, environmental stressors, culture and other variables will impact your child’s development.  These are generalizations but they are backed by years of research. 

As a parent, you certainly can’t change who was born when.   

But there is plenty you can do to guide your little ones through the practicalities and feelings that come with your family structure. 

→  Accept that there will be differences.

Yes, your children will have different skills, strengths, weaknesses and experiences as a result of birth order.  But one set of these is not better or worse than the other. 

Practice the mindset:

They are different, and each valuable.

→  Validate your child’s experience.  

Give them language and create a safe space to express and process how they see themselves in the world.  Without assigning judgement or worry to what they reveal.   

Play is an excellent way to do this.  Using dolls, stuffed animals, or imaginative play to act out sibling interactions and experiences, and voice thoughts and feelings through play is the safest and most meaningful way for your child to express themselves.  And it will be the most impactful way for them to receive and integrate the language you can offer them to describe and organize what they experience. 

In addition, whenever they voice feelings or thoughts about their role in the birth order, it is best to respond with affirmation, observations and open ended questions.

“You really don’t like being the littlest.  I’ve heard you say that a lot lately and I get it, you really don’t like it.  Can you tell me more about why you don’t like it?”
 

→  Give them opportunities to see their belonging and value within the family system.

Spend time drawing family pictures, hang individual and family pictures around the house, and frequently tell stories of your family’s growth and evolution (your relationship history, birth stories, when your family felt complete, family experiences, individual milestones, etc.) 

→  Focus on building self-confidence through play/activities that are aligned with each child’s development and nourish their individual interests and strengths.

It's easy for younger siblings to get swept into the activities of older children.  Or for older children to be restricted based on younger children's needs.

Some of that will happen.  But the goal is for everybody to have enough space for their individual and developmental needs and interests to be met.  

→  Invite all family members to participate in and celebrate each member’s individuality, milestones and successes.

 When everyone gets space to do their own thing, and to feel seen and encouraged in it by their loved ones, you've hit the sweet spot.

→  Explore, identify and talk about your own experience with your position in your family’s birth order and manage your projections when they come up. 

This is a big one!  If you were the youngest, do you assign feelings to your youngest child based on your experience? Do these feelings influence how you respond?  Do you have feelings towards your oldest that drive your behaviors towards them?  

There is certainly a lot here, you don’t have to be perfect but the more of your history you can tease out, the more you will be available to respond to what is happening for your child here and now, versus trying to correct for what happened to you then. 

Remember it’s not about making things perfect or overriding things beyond your control.  

Your goal as a parent is to accept each individual child's unique journey, to create a safe container in which they can express and organize the thoughts and feelings they have about it all, and to nurture their sense of belonging and connection to the broader family unit.

Until next time,

Allie