Are you yellow lighting your child?

We all know that when you see a traffic light turn yellow, it means SLOW DOWN.  You probably also know that when you see a yellow light, you actually speed up.  And you're not alone.  Large scale studies have shown this is generally the case.  A yellow light actually has the opposite effect on behavior than is intended.

Have you ever considered this could be happening in your parenting as well?

Your role as a parent and your physical body are designed to protect your child from danger.  But sometimes when you think you’re protecting you may be unintentionally sending a signal that escalates your little one’s distress. And intruding on opportunities for them to learn to tolerate and work through their feelings, and build confidence in their ability to handle challenges.

Children are born with their inner alert system fully intact.  When their bodies detect discomfort, this system is activated, releasing a biological response that puts their entire being into a state of heightened alarm.  But the rest of their brain, the part that is capable of using logic and reason to determine whether or not there is an actual threat takes years to fully develop-like 25 years.  So children depend on the adults around them to let them know if they need to keep that emergency alert system on, or if it's safe to turn it off, let the initial alert flush out and return to their play and exploration.

When you observe your child in distress, AKA screaming, hitting, biting, withdrawing, defying us, throwing, stomping, slamming doors, running away, crying, clinging, etc. your instinct as parents is to rescue them.  You may step in, accommodate a need, try to logic them out of it, remove them from the situation, engage in a negotiation, smother them with grounding exercises, repeatedly label their feelings, or try to fix the situation.

But you may not realize that these well-meaning behaviors inadvertently signal to your child that there is in fact something wrong.  And actually speeding things up instead of slowing it down.

Like when:

Your baby is reaching for a toy and frustrated they cannot reach it or move themselves to get to it.  They start to fuss and cry and look back and forth between you and the toy.  You quickly reach in and move the toy into their reach.

Your toddler and a friend are arguing over who gets to play with a toy and you immediately rush over and start a dialogue about sharing and setting a timer.

Your preschooler cries and cries at dinnertime that they want to sit on your lap and refuses to eat until you comply.  So you do.

Your school aged child asks the same question over and over even though you’ve already given them all the details. And you continue to answer each time.

Your tween cries screams “But I’m the only one, you have to let me!” and you find yourself going over and over all the reasons why you’re saying no and trying to get them to see your logic.

Your teenager is anxious about seeing a friend who they’ve recently had a conflict with and begs to stay home from school, so you comply.

Now let me be clear.  If you’ve done any of these things you are a good parent.  You are responding to your child’s duress and your own instincts.  And these are effective and meaningful parenting behaviors. 

What I’m saying is that sometimes less is more.  And it’s critical to pay attention to how quickly, how frequently, and how often you repeat these behaviors.  

And to observe how it impacts your child.

Because sometimes we can overdo it.  And perhaps there’s room to give your kid a little more space to stretch themselves and practice the skills you want them to learn.  

For example:

Your baby is reaching for a toy and frustrated they cannot reach it or move themselves to get to it.  They start to fuss and cry and look back and forth between you and the toy.  You move into closer proximity and verbally acknowledge what you’re observing, “That toy is further away than you can reach right now and that is frustrating!  But I know you can do it.” 

Your toddler and a friend are arguing over who gets to play with a toy.  You move into closer proximity and make sure they see your calm presence.  Perhaps you observe and let them work it out on their own, or say “This is tricky, there is one toy and two kids who are disappointed they can’t both have it right now.” 

Continue to observe, give them time to be in their experience, and follow up with sharing suggestions as needed.

Your preschooler cries and cries at dinnertime that they want to sit on your lap and refuses to eat, crying and screaming at you.  You get on their level and say “This is really tough for you, I will stay nearby but I know you can get through it.” 

You stay nearby with them and ride out their feelings with your proximity and calm presence and nothing else.  Once they are regulated, you can redirect them back to the task at hand.

Your tween cries screams “But I’m the only one, you have to let me!”. You listen to their feelings, validate how hard this is and say, “I know it can be hard to not have a say in what you get to do and to miss out on things” and then stay nearby and tolerate the process of their feelings calming down. Later, revisit what your limits mean to them socially and to their self-image, and make it a point to reinforce family values and rules.

Your teenager is anxious about seeing a friend who they’ve recently had a conflict with and begs to stay home from school. You say, “I know that just thinking about what this will feel like is probably so uncomfortable. But it’s usually the case that once you do the scary thing, it feels better and I know you can get over that hump.” Continue with the morning routine and reinforcing the expectation that your child will go to school and you know they can get through it. Make it a point to revisit these social dynamics and your child’s feelings later in the day and on an ongoing basis.

Your goal here is not to extinguish their behaviors or the feelings underneath it.  And it’s not to disengage and leave them on their own.

It’s to let your child know that they do not need to be afraid of the sensations and experiences they are detecting in their body even if it feels uncomfortable in the moment, and to give them a protective container in which they can practice feeling those feelings and learning how to ride them out.   

It's proving to your child that they can do hard things by allowing them to do hard things in small doses.  

And it's showing them that you are not afraid of their feelings and accept them no matter what state they are in.

I think parents often hear this aspect of the parenting science and think things like:

“what if they feel like I’m not listening to them?”

“what if I send them off and they’re upset the whole day?”

“what if I walked away and I missed something?”

“it feels so hard for me to see them like that”

As a parent myself, I get it. I’ve had all of those thoughts and feelings. I’ve asked those questions. I’ve had the urge to step in. I’ve wondered if I’m doing it right.

But I know and trust the science and I’ve seen it prove itself time and time again-in my home and in others. And I know that this skill, of stepping back and giving our kids space in small doses and in developmentally appropriate ways, is a fundamental component of my role as a parent and an essential piece to the outcomes I want for my children.

Until next time,

Allie