Can you spoil your baby?

Have you ever heard someone say if you hold your baby too much, you’ll spoil them?

Are you wondering if this is true?

Well in short, the answer is HECK NO!

Babies come into the world with 3 basic needs: to eat, to sleep, and to be comforted as they adjust to all the new sensations inside and around them.

When they are hungry, you feed them.  When they are tired, you help them sleep.  And when they are overwhelmed, you soothe them.

This is a practice of coregulation.  Your child expresses discomfort but does not have the ability to recognize or take action to reduce their own discomfort.  

But you do.  So you respond and lead them back into a comfortable state.

The #1 behavior that supports coregulation in infancy?  Physical touch. 

AKA holding your baby.  

If your baby were hungry, would you consider feeding them spoiling?

If your baby were tired, would you consider letting them sleep spoiling?

Right.  So why is holding them any different?

There is a strong message in our culture that your children’s underlying social and emotional drives are less valuable than their other needs.  That somehow responding to these needs is indulgent and will create weakness.

In fact, the opposite is true.  

Babies whose parents are responsive to their emotional needs exhibit better self-regulation in the early childhood years and beyond.  Coregulation is the foundation for healthy childhood outcomes across all domains and the springboard to future independence and autonomy.

I want to be clear.  Coregulation is not about doing the work of navigating the world and managing challenges for your baby.  It is important that babies and children do feel discomfort and have opportunities to work through it.  However, if their discomfort is too high their systems will not be available to learn.  Coregulation is about taking the edge off just enough that independence can be fostered.  

Coregulation is about recognizing your baby or growing child has a need, and offering a container of safety that allows them to find their way back into a comfortable space.   

And another truth, physical touch isn’t the only form of coregulation you can give your little one.  This need can also be met by adjusting the environment to provide soothing input.  A pacifier, rocker, baby carrier, singing, and standing in close proximity while giving them space to work through things are other behaviors that can substitute.  

It may not be obvious to you why your little one is uncomfortable.  There are so many internal and external sensations that they are absorbing in the rapid development of their early years that may be unsettling to their system.  That you cannot see and that they cannot clearly understand or explicitly communicate.  

So when it comes to how frequently you hold your baby or respond to their cries in the early months, don’t make these decisions based on some outdated, uninformed opinion.

Listen to your baby, your intuition and the science.

Try to focus on:

→ What works for my baby?

What are the things that seem to comfort them when they are upset?

Try out new things and see what works.  Every baby will come into the world with different temperaments and predispositions that will dictate their responsiveness to various forms of comfort and sensory input.  You have to observe what they respond to and build a databases specific to your little one's makeup.

Build an arsenal of options so that you aren’t always limited to holding baby and have some flexibility 

→ What works for me?

Some parents want to hold their little one all the time, others don’t.  Some parents want to be free to move around and do other things.  Some parents are exhausted and need time away to get their own sleep.

You can meet your child’s need for comfort through coregulation in a variety of ways.

I highly recommend baby wraps or carriers as they allow you to offer proximity while still having your hands free to do other things.  But remember that ultimately the form of coregulation that's best for your child is the one that leaves you feeling the most sane!

→ Finding a balance.

No, you don’t have to race through your house and pick-up your baby the second they start to fuss.  No, you will not damage them if you occasionally let them cry to see if they can settle themselves, while you take a shower, or are sleep training.

Small increments of discomfort are inevitable and valuable!   It’s about the broader pattern of responsiveness that sets the tone.  

→ You’re not the only one.

Any responsive adult can meet this need, including grandparents and other family members, daycare providers, nannies, night nurses, etc.

It doesn’t have to be you 24/7.  Build a network of social support, ideally before your baby arrives, so you have everything set up when you need it.  

Proactive > Reactive.

→ What are my coregulation needs?

Guess what, even as adults we need coregulation.  As you move through the first year of parenthood, who and what is available to soothe and comfort you when you’re feeling overwhelmed?  To give you a container of safety so you can work through the hard moments and find your way back into a more comfortable space.  This is essential not only to your wellbeing, but to your goals to execute on this for your little one. 

Don’t forget it’s a parallel process and to take care of yourselves too, parents!

Until next time,

Allie