Building your child’s pyramid
My husband and I recently traveled without our kids for 10 days. It was the first time we’d been away for more than a long weekend and before leaving there was some uncertainty about how our absence would impact them, and frankly, us.
I’m happy to report we had a wonderful time. And that our kids did great. Everybody definitely missed everybody but by all reports everyone moved through their days happily and was fully present and engaged.
But this isn’t about my family.
It’s about what was underneath this outcome. And how you can apply it to your parenting goals and to nurturing your baby or child’s development.
You're probably familiar with the concept of a secure attachment, what it means in the context of the parent-child relationship, and its role in supporting child development (if not, email me and let’s talk!).
But did you know that children are capable of forming secure attachments beyond their parents? That the trust, safety and container for development embedded in a secure attachment can be formed with anyone in their lives who consistently demonstrates a willingness and ability to provide quality care and affection?
And it’s not just adults who your little one is capable of bonding with. This can include older siblings and, as well as grandparents, other relatives and important adults outside the family, neighbors, babysitters, daycare providers, teachers, their friends parents, and eventually, even their own peers.
Don’t panic. Your child will still prefer you above all the rest.
The beauty of having multiple attachments is that in your absence, your child can continue to thrive and develop. And you can feel confident and comfortable that when you step away to take care of yourself and fulfill your needs and responsibilities elsewhere, all is well.
It’s a win-win.
Think of it as a pyramid with layers of preference. If you are at the top but not available, the next person in the pyramid will move to the peak and your child will shift their needs and be receptive to having them met by the next in line. If they are not there, the next person moves to the top of the pyramid and so on.
They may miss you but will have what they need to handle it and carry on.
There is significant value to your little one’s development within this attachment hierarchy beyond just giving you the go ahead to get away.
Supporting a diverse social network within which your child feels safe and secure will also support a robust blueprint for their inner social organization. It will allow them to learn through experience that healthy, enriching relationships come in a variety of shapes and sizes and offer them increased opportunities to build long term social skills. And to learn they can be valued, loved and connected across a variety of contexts and dynamics.
We all know that people and relationships are nuanced, and having early practice living in this reality will strengthen communication, negotiation, flexibility, self-awareness and self-confidence. All building blocks to nurturing healthy relationships and competent, successful adults.
But the thing is, in order to create this reality for your little one, you need to have a network with whom you feel safe. And in increasing increments, you need to step away to allow your child to live in the safety of their time with others.
Then brick by brick, the pyramid takes shape.
The 2 areas where I see parents struggle the most in building their child’s pyramid are:
1 → Lack of their own secure and diverse social network
When I talk about building a network, people assume I mean grandparents and extended family. And those are great resources and a great place to start if they are available to you. I know those relationships are not always an option for a multitude of reasons.
And I know it would be easier if they were.
But it doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. Even if connections start as professional relationships (nanny, babysitter, neighbors, teacher, etc.) the organic bonds that form can offer the same benefit.
Not to mention that other people in your life that care about you and demonstrate a willingness to attend to and bond with your baby, like friends and neighbors, or parents of other children can also serve in this role.
Fundamentally though, the people who are able and who you are willing to become part of your child’s pyramid are likely going to be extensions of your pyramid, at least at the beginning.
The sooner in your parenting journey you can begin to build your village (again, I know it’s not easy), the more options you will have to support your child’s.
2 → Your own feelings and interpersonal blueprints
“I’m afraid she won’t want me anymore”
“I don’t trust anyone else to hold my baby”
“I don’t feel comfortable being away from him”
“I don’t want to miss anything”
“I don’t know exactly what goes on in that house if I’m not there”
“She's too little to hand over to someone else”
“I'm the only one who knows what he likes”
“She isn't capable of communicating her own needs”
“But she should want to come to me when she’s struggling, not someone else”
Sound familiar?
There are many internal barriers that prevent parents from building their child’s pyramid, like:
Your own attachment style.
Your prior relationship experiences.
PMADs (Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders).
Being a new parent.
Limited understanding of child development.
Fears and worries about your child’s emerging independence and skills navigating the world on their own.
These feelings are valid and real. But they can also be negotiated if you are ready to work through them because you recognize the benefits of doing so. Working with a professional therapist or coach to address the underlying patterns and belief systems that live within you can open you up to creating the environment that will foster your child’s pyramid.
And I know you can do it.
You can start the construction of your baby’s pyramid at any point in your journey.
The idea is to create experiences that build connection and support bonding with your little one.
It's great to start slow and work towards alone time with others. By initially spending time all together, you are showing your baby or little one that you feel safe and secure with others. You are also building up your tolerance for the separation, which is just as meaningful to the process. Then you can slowly hand over responsibilities and take small amounts of time away.
Ultimately, it will be important to remove yourself so that your child can have consistent 1:1 time in these relationships. Again, the timeline has to be right for you. If you are nursing, have an infant, or are just getting to know a new caregiver, you may not be ready for extended time away. Know that even being in a different room is enough space for everyone to receive the benefits.
I also recommend audio recordings/phone calls or facetime with those who live far away. Your little one can build familiarity with their voice, which will be a bridge to deeper connection when reunited in person.
I’m typically pretty conservative around screen time in Early Childhood but when it comes to supporting relationships, throw the guidelines out the window. Having a grandparent or forever friend read stories over facetime, play with your child, or be towed around the house while your toddler stumbles about is actually incredibly valuable.
Here are some other ideas to support these relationships:
→ Pregnancy reveal
→ Gender reveal
→ Baby showers
→ Invite friends, family, etc. to prepare the nursery or shop for baby items
→ Include friends, family, neighbors, etc. in your (and baby’s) postpartum care plan
→ Ask others to hold baby for contact naps
→ Allow others to do feedings
→ Join a playgroup and take turns playing with and caring for each other’s little ones
→ Invite friends, family, etc. to a shared photo album or purchase a photo sharing frame to continuously share photos and videos
→ Ask others to provide childcare
→ Talk regularly and positively to your child about those you want your child to connect with
→ Schedule special bonding activities and other forms of special memory making
→ Make regular playdates with friends, family, neighbors, etc.
→ Share holiday rituals and traditions
Remember parents, it’s a parallel process and you need your pyramid too. For all the work you do to support your little one in their social connections, make sure you’re doing the same for yourself.
Until next time,
Allie