Just be like Aaron Judge

In 2022 Aaron Judge had one of the best offensive seasons in baseball history.

He hit more home runs in a single season than anyone in the history of the American League.  He had the second highest batting average in the American League.  He scored and batted in more runs than anyone else.  There are more impressive stats out there if you want to do a deep dive.

Yet he also struck out 25% of the time he went to the plate.  He had groundouts.  Fly outs.  Missed some games.  And only got on base less than half the times he came to the plate.

So, what does this have to do with parenting, Allie?

Think about it this way:

Professional baseball players are the best of the best.  And within this already elite class of athletes, the best of the best of the best, like Aaron Judge, are only batting in the 200s and 300s.  They misread pitches.  They swing too fast or too slow or too high or too low even when they anticipate what’s coming at them.  They watch balls go by them at critical moments.  They have off days and slumps.  They take time out for injury.

Nobody is batting 1000.  Everybody has a lot of misses.  And they are still the best. 

Again Allie, what does all of this have to do with parenting?

Well just like professional athletes, the best parents out there are not batting 1000.

And they don’t need to.

Research shows that children who develop a secure attachment have parents who successfully read and meet their needs 20-30% of the time.  

In other words, their batting average is in the 200s-300s!

You heard me right.  You can misread, be unavailable, or ignore your child’s needs up to 70% of the time and still be an All Star.  Can you believe it?!

That’s not to say you don’t try.  In fact, it takes a lot of effort to get it right 20-30% of the time.

Do you think that during the 2022 season Aaron Judge just showed up for games and hoped all the work he did in the past would fuel his success?  I doubt it.  In fact I’m guessing he showed up day in and day out, putting in the effort to maintain the results he was seeing and continuing to refine his skills trying to grind out just a little bit more.

As a parent you will never bat 1000 and that's ok.

There will always be cues you misinterpret or miss altogether, needs that are unexpressed, attention that must be focused elsewhere, competing priorities and responsibilities, and miscommunications.

But your child’s attachment system is built for this.  And has a safety net to account for these inevitable misses.  So that you can successfully nurture and support their socio-emotional needs without being perfect.

In fact, there are benefits to all the times when you strike out, ground out, fly out, are injured, or just can’t get the hit with runners on base.  

Your child needs you to fail them in manageable waysso they can learn how to copewith a world that doesn’t see or respond to their needs 100% of the time.  Because this is the reality of life.  And this is the space where they learn in small doses how to move through the world with confidence and independence.  So they can grow into adults who can self-regulate through all of life's ups and downs, and pursue relationships where they are interconnected but not dependent on others.

And so long as you show up enough of the time, they will receive the container of love and safety they need to thrive.

You know what else is true?  That 20-30% doesn’t have to happen in a day or even a week.  It’s over a season, or a lifetime.  So you can have a slump and a lot of misses, and make it up on the back-end and everyone is all good for it.

Did you experience a PMAD (Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorder) and withdraw?  

Lose your cool during a global pandemic?  

Get sick and throw them in front of the TV for a few days?

Yell at them as you rushed to get out the door for school?

Lose your cool when they talked back and stormed away?

It’s nothing you can’t make up for with a little effort when these stressors subside. You can have some days, weeks or months when you miss your mark and then have some days, weeks, months where you nail it and it will still average out to a win.

One more thing I admire about Aaron Judge.

He doesn’t panic when he misses.  He doesn’t beat himself up.  He doesn’t ruminate.  He might be disappointed or a little frustrated.  But he keeps perspective and uses it as an opportunity to learn and grow.  He shakes it off, trusts himself, his skills, his teammates, his leadership and coaching staff.

And I think that’s so critical for parents to try and emulate.

What I’m trying to say here parents is you don’t have to be perfect to meet your goals as a parent.  In fact the science says you don’t even have to get it right half of the time.  

20-30% is good enough.  

I hope that knowing this can ground you through the moments when you miss your mark.

So instead of perseverating on your mistake, worrying about the negative impact it will have on your kid, losing yourself to internal distraction and self-judgment and feeling like a failure you will begin to reframe these moments as valuable opportunities for growth.  

For both your baby or child, who can use them to build new skills.  

And for you, to build self-acceptance.  

Remind yourself:

“I don’t need to be perfect.  Just be like Aaron Judge.”

Until next time,

Allie